Tales of the Grotesque and Arabesque — 1840, volume II — reading text

sub-collectors of the offering, in the holy city of Jerusalem. “Verily” — replied the Pharisee — “let us hasten: for this generosity in the heathen is unwonted; and fickle-mindedness has ever been an attribute of the worshippers of Baal.” “That they are fickle-minded and treacherous is as true as the Pentateuch” — said Buzi-Ben-Levi — “but that is only towards the people of Adonai. When was it ever known that the Ammonites proved wanting to their own interest? Methinks it is no great stretch of generosity to allow us lambs for the altar of the Lord, receiving in lieu thereof thirty silver shekels per head!” “Thou forgettest, however, Ben-Levi” — replied Abel-Phittim — “that the Roman Pompey, who is now impiously besieging the city of the Most High, has no assurity that we apply not the lambs thus purchased for the altar, to the sustenance of the body, rather than of the spirit.” “Now, by the five corners of my beard” — shouted the Pharisee, who belonged to the sect called The Dashers (that little knot of saints whose manner of dashing and lacerating the feet against the pavement was long a thorn and a reproach to less zealous devotees — a stumbling-block to less gifted perambulators) — “by the five corners of that beard which as a priest I am forbidden to shave! — have we lived to see the day when a blaspheming and idolatrous upstart of Rome shall accuse us of appropriating to the appetites of the flesh the most holy and consecrated elements? Have we lived to see the day when” —— “Let us not question the motives of the Philistine” — interrupted Abel-Phittim — “for to-day we profit for the first time by his avarice or by his generosity. But rather let us hurry to the ramparts, lest offerings should be wanting for that altar whose fire the rains of heaven cannot extinguish — and whose pillars of smoke no tempest can turn aside.” That part of the city to which our worthy Gizbarim now hastened, and which bore the name of its architect King David, was esteemed the most strongly fortified district of Jerusalem — being situated upon the steep and lofty hill of Zion. Here a broad, deep, circumvallatory trench — hewn from the solid rock — was defended by a wall of great strength erected upon its inner edge. This wall was adorned, at regular interspaces, by square towers of white marble — the lowest sixty — the highest one hundred and twenty cubits in height. But in the vicinity of the gate of Benjamin the wall arose by no means immediately from the margin of the fosse. On the contrary, between the level of the ditch and the basement of the rampart, sprang up a perpendicular cliff of two hundred and fifty cubits — forming part of the precipitous Mount Moriah. So that when Simeon and his associates arrived on the summit of the tower called Adoni-Bezek — the loftiest of all the turrets around about Jerusalem, and the usual place of conference with the besieging army — they looked down upon the camp of the enemy from an eminence excelling, by many feet, that of the Pyramid of Cheops, and, by several, that of the Temple of Belus. “Verily” — sighed the Pharisee, as he peered dizzily over the precipice — “the uncircumcised are as the sands by the sea-shore — as the locusts in the wilderness! The valley of The King hath become the valley of Adommin.” “And yet” — added Ben-Levi — “thou canst not point me out a Philistine — no, not one — from Aleph to Tau — from the wilderness to the battlements — who seemeth any bigger than the letter Jod!” “Lower away the basket with the shekels of silver!” — here shouted a Roman soldier in a hoarse, rough voice, which appeared to issue from the regions of Pluto — “lower away the basket with that accursed coin which it has broken the jaw of a noble Roman to pronounce! Is it thus you evince your gratitude to our master Pompeius, who, in his condescension, has thought fit to listen to your idolatrous importunities? The god Phœbus, who is a true god, has been charioted for an hour — and were you not to be on the ramparts by sunrise? Ædepol! do you think that we, the conquerors of the world, have nothing better to do than stand waiting by the walls of every kennel, to traffic with the dogs of the earth? Lower away! I say — and see that your trumpery be bright in color, and just in weight!” “El Elohim!” — ejaculated the Pharisee, as the discordant tones of the centurion rattled up the crags of the precipice, and fainted away against the Temple — El Elohim! — who is the god Phœbus? — whom doth the blasphemer invoke? Thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi! who art read in the laws of the Gentiles, and hast sojourned among them who dabble with the Teraphim! — is it Nergal of whom the idolator speaketh? — or Ashimah? — or Nibhaz? — or Tartak? — or Adramalech? — or Anamalech? — or Succoth-Benoth? — or Dagon? — or Belial? — or Baal-Perith? — or Baal-Peor? — or Baal-Zebub?” “Verily, it is neither — but beware how thou lettest the rope slip too rapidly through thy fingers — for should the wicker-work chance to hang on the projection of yonder crag, there will be a woful outpouring of the holy things of the sanctuary.” By the assistance of some rudely-constructed machinery, the heavily-laden basket was now lowered carefully down among the multitude — and, from the giddy pinnacle, the Romans were seen crowding confusedly around it — but, owing to the vast height and the prevalence of a fog, no distinct view of their operations could be obtained. A half-hour had already elapsed. “We shall be too late” — sighed the Pharisee, as, at the expiration of this period, he looked over into the abyss — “we shall be too late — we shall be turned out of office by the Katholim.” “No more” — responded Abel-Phittim — “no more shall we feast upon the fat of the land — no longer shall our beards be odorous with frankincense — our loins girded up with fine linen from the Temple.” “Raca!” — swore Ben-Levi — “Raca! — do they mean to defraud us of the purchase-money? — or, Holy Moses! are they weighing the shekels of the tabernacle?” “They have given the signal at last” — cried the Pharisee — “they have given the signal at last! — pull away, Abel-Phittim! — and thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi, pull away! — for verily the Philistines have either still hold upon the basket, or the Lord hath softened their hearts to place therein a beast of good weight!” And the Gizbarim pulled away, while their burthen swung heavily upwards through the still increasing mist. * * * * * * * * “Booshoh he!” — as, at the conclusion of an hour, some object at the extremity of the rope became indistinctly visible — “Booshoh he!” — was the exclamation which burst from the lips of Ben-Levi. “Booshoh he! — for shame! — it is a ram from the thickets of Engedi, and as rugged as the valley of Jehosaphat!” “It is a firstling of the flock,” — said Abel-Phittim — “I know him by the bleating of his lips, and the innocent folding of his limbs. His eyes are more beautiful than the jewels of the Pectoral — and his flesh is like the honey of Hebron.” “It is a fatted calf from the pastures of Bashan” — said the Pharisee — “the heathen have dealt wonderfully with us — let us raise up our voices in a psalm — let us give thanks on the shawm and on the psaltery — on the harp and on the huggab — on the cythern and on the sackbut.” It was not until the basket had arrived within a few feet of the Gizbarim, that a low grunt betrayed to their perception a hog of no common size. “Now El Emanu!” — slowly, and with upturned eyes ejaculated the trio, as, letting go their hold, the emancipated porker tumbled headlong among the Philistines — “El Emanu! — God be with us! — it is the unutterable flesh!” “Let me no longer,” said the Pharisee, wrapping his cloak around him and departing within the city — “let me no longer be called Simeon, which signifieth, ‘he who listens’ — but rather Boanerges, ‘the son of Thunder.’ ” VON JUNG VON JUNG. MY friend, the Baron Ritzner Von Jung, was of a noble Hungarian family, every member of which (at least as far back into antiquity as any certain records extend) was more or less remarkable for talent of some description — the majority for that species of grotesquerie in conception of which Tieck, a scion of the house, has given some vivid, although by no means the most vivid exemplifications. My acquaintance with him — with Ritzner — commenced at the magnificent Chateau Jung, into which a train of droll adventures, not to be made public, threw me par hazard during the summer months of the year 18—. Here it was I obtained a place in his regard, and here, with somewhat more difficulty, a partial insight into his mental conformation. In later days this insight grew more clear, as the intimacy which had at first permitted it became more close; and when, after three years separation, we met at G——n, I knew all that it was necessary to know of the character of the Baron Ritzner Von Jung. I remember the buzz of curiosity which his advent excited within the college precincts on the night of the twenty-fifth of June. I remember still more distinctly, that while he was pronounced by all parties at first sight “the most remarkable man in the world,” no person made any attempt at accounting for this opinion. That he was unique appeared so undeniable, it was deemed not pertinent to inquire wherein the uniquity consisted. But, letting this matter pass for the present, I will merely observe that, from the first moment of his setting foot within the limits of the university, he began to exercise over the habits, manners, persons, purses, moral feelings, and physical propensities of the whole community which surrounded him, an influence the most extensive and absolutely despotic, yet at the same time the most indefinitive and altogether unaccountable. Thus the brief period of his residence at the university forms an era in its annals, and is characterized by all classes of people appertaining to it or its dependencies as “that very extraordinary epoch forming the domination of the Baron Ritzner Vong Jung.” I have seen — and be it here borne in mind that gentlemen still living in Gotham who have been with myself witness of these things will have full recollection of the passages to which I now merely allude — I have seen, then, the most outrageously preposterous of events brought about by the most intangible and apparently inadequate of means. I have seen — what, indeed, have I not seen? I have seen Villanova, the danseuse, lecturing in the chair of National Law, and I have seen D——, P——, T——, and Von C——, all enraptured with her profundity. I have seen the protector, the consul, and the whole faculty aghast at the convolutions of a weathercock. I have seen Sontag received with hisses, and a hurdy-gurdy with sighs. I have seen an ox-cart, with oxen, on the summit of the Rotunda. I have seen all the pigs of G——n in periwigs, and all her cows in canonicals. I have seen fifteen hundred vociferous cats in the steeple of St. P——. I have seen the college chapel bombarded — I have seen the college ramparts most distressingly placarded — I have seen the whole world by the ears — I have seen old Wertemuller in tears — and, more than all, I have seen such events come to be regarded as the most reasonable, commendable, and inevitable things in creation, through the silent, yet all-pervading and magical influence of the dominator Baron Ritzner Von Jung. Upon the Baron's advent to G——n, he sought me out in my apartments. He was then of no particular age — by which I mean that it was impossible to form a guess respecting his age by any data personally afforded. He might have been fifteen or fifty, and was twenty-one years and seven months. In stature he was about five feet eight inches. He was by no means a handsome man — perhaps rather the reverse. The contour of his face was somewhat angular and harsh. His forehead was lofty and very fair; his nose a snub; his eyes large, heavy, glassy and meaningless. About the mouth there was more to be